The 5 stages or how Harry came to be in love
by Sylvia Sylverton
Summary: In this story Harry travels through the five stages of love: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Feautring Deep in Denial Closeted!Harry, Schemeing Cussing Smoking!Hermione, and "Girlfriend" Stealing Let's Shag Now!Draco.
1. Denial

" The 5 Stages or How Harry came to be in love with his arch nemesis the deliciously evil Draco Lucius Malfoy"

By Sylvia Sylverton

**Disclaimer:** Let's just say I don't own the _Harry Potter_ books and the likelihood of me owning it sometime in the near future is slim if next to none. Besides if I did own it book five would have never happened and Sirius/Remus along with Draco/Harry relationships would be canon.

**Warning:** This fic is **SLASH**, get that there is boy- boy love, but I think that's silly to warn you about obviously you should know it's slash if you're in the romance section of Draco and Harry fics and besides I think it's hypocritical to warn people about slash. I mean what's the big deal love is love it's not like you have to warn people when the fic is het ooh people of the opposite or same sex are kissing big deal what you do in your own free time is your own business. But whatever I don't make the rules I just follow them. Flame me if you wish but if you dare flame me about this fic being slash I will do the following scream in frustration, curse you and your family, and feed the flame to an incredibly intimidating French poodle named Fifi.

**Author's Note:** I hope you all enjoy this story. Remember reviews are always appreciated. Anything I write is meant to be humorous and should never be taken seriously.

Chapter 1 Denial or How Harry came to find his girlfriend of five months making out with that ferret thing that he totally did not in the least find attractive, at all

As every psychology students should be able to tell you there are five basic stages of grief. These being of course the ever-popular denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. But as our hero was about to find out that these particular stages could apply to love. Yes my dear friends Harry James Potter was completely and hopelessly in love with someone who's seemingly only goal in life was to make his life a living hell, and besides he didn't like Draco " The Ferret" Malfoy all that much, at all, really he didn't. I'm sure all of you at home in front of your computers are probably rolling your eyes right now. But our friend was so deep in denial that he was practically stuck in Narnia.

I'm sure you all must be wondering how one so deep in denial came to be questioning everything he had ever thought to be true about himself. I suppose it first started when Harry first started to date his friend Hermione Granger. Which was probably where he went wrong in the first place. Because once you cross that boundary of sticking your tongue down someone's throat it's kind of hard to go back to discussing the weather or gossiping about how **delectable **you think Draco Malfoy's ass looks in those black jeans. Hey that isn't right, well now that he really thought about it they did talk an awful lot about Draco Malfoy, almost every time he saw her she tried to steer the conversation to that ratfink. "Oh Harry, don't you just love the way that Draco's new haircut frames his delicate features. Doesn't he look positively delicious? Imagine what it would be like to have those delicate fingers caress the every contours of your body. Don't you just want to pounce him right now? I think you should go over there right now and claim him as yours, kiss him right now in front of everyone and show him who is boss."

Yep now that he was thinking clearly he could see what was going on, his girlfriend had a fatal case of ferret obsession. If only he had been aware of this before he had caught her making out with Draco Malfoy, maybe then he could have given her the vaccine, some good old fashioned Harry loving. Such a pity that she was now tainted just when he was beginning to get attached to her. At first he didn't know whether to be angry or sad by her betrayal, but then he looked down and saw he was wearing an Armani shirt and decided, "What the hell might as well be angry. After all I wouldn't want to let a good designer shirt go to waste."

**Author's Note:** Well that was the first chapter. Please let me know what you think in a review. No flames please, only constructive criticism. I originally intended for this to be only five chapters long but it's going to be at least two chapters longer.


	2. Interlude

Ch. 2 Interlude- Entry from _Hogwarts: A History_ entry #337,002 entitled "Faggs and Haggs"

Now you readers at home must be wondering "What does the clothes that he is wearing have to do with his emotions or better yet when did Harry start wearing designer clothes?" The answer of course is completely due to the "super secret" gay organization: Fools Aren't Gay Gryffindor Students or FAGGS. Ever since the year 1902 the FAGGS were dedicated to protecting the reputations of the gay Gryffindors. The world of the FAGGS was constantly under the "3 S's":subterfuge, scrutiny, and sabotage from all of the others houses especially those damn pansys the Hufflepuffs.

It was typically understood that Gryffindors and Slytherins were life long enemies but this was not the case in the gay underground of Hogwarts. The rivalry between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor started in 1926 when James Jameson the then Head Queen of FAGGS changed the motto from "No Gay Gryffindor Left Behind" to "We may be gay but at least we're no bloody Hufflepuffs." From that moment on HAGGS or Hufflepuffs Against Gay Gryffindor Students main goal in life was to make the FAGGS suffer. This usually entailed not inviting Gryffindors to the famous Hufflepuff Mixers, making snide comments about the gay Gryffindors, and most importantly no sex with Gryffindors.  
You are probably wondering what all of this has to do with one Harry Potter, his state of dress, and his not so secret crush on Draco Malfoy. It is all very simple; it has to do with both Seamus Finnigan and the popularity of makeover TV shows. When Seamus Finnigan became head queen during his fifth year he promised that he would help improve the gay Gryffindor community by giving makeovers to any gay Gryffindor who needed one. With help from his crew of Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger he had already given 68 makeovers. Now he just needed his next victim, someone to be his lucky number 69.

Then inspiration struck in the form of one Olivia Turnplatt the new slogan writer for the HAGGS came out with the slogan, "We may be pansies but at least we don't dress like the love child between a manatee and a beached whale." That really hurt, Harry Potter may be the savior of the world but that did not give him the right to dress like he was some fashion reject from the planet Pluto or something. Especially when him dressing so poorly was hurting the reputations of all the FAGGS. Something needed to be done, it was time for a makeover.

**Author's Note:** I've been writing this chapter since Monday, which was my fourth slashversary. For those of you who don't know my slashversary is the anniversary of the day that I discovered slash fanfiction. The very first slash story I ever read was Checkmate by Naadi Moonfeather, which I recommend that you all read. It was just recently finished. So any way I promised myself that I would write every night until I at least finished a chapter.


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